What a difference a few years makes!

As Ricky Gervais said “where was I”? A few years ago, I was a married expat living in Hong Kong with our 7 year old son. Fast forward to 2011/12, and I am a newly separated stay-at-home mom living with her nearly 9 year old son in Seattle. To say that my life has drastically changed is an understatement. But, I have to say, life is pretty good. This has been the biggest challenge of my life, but I am embracing it head-on and eyes wide open. I will be documenting my life along the way. A 40-something, single mom starting over. Come along for the ride – should be fun!

Bad News Bearer

My life is careening towards chaos right now, and I am in the front seat without a seat belt. We live in Hong Kong as expats, and our time here is coming to an end. I can do a repatriation like a pro, but what I can’t do is watch my small child do it without choking up every five minutes. We moved here when he was just barely four years old, so this is the only life he remembers and knows. He has good friends, a school and teacher he loves, and an apartment he knows like the back of his hand. But mostly, he has a special person in his life that he will have to say good-bye to, and that may be the hardest thing he will have to do.

Living in Hong Kong as an expat, or even growing up here, is tough. Getting around is tough, shopping is tough, finding doctors is tough and all the rest of it. What most expats don’t really shine on about is the fact that we all have a person (sometimes two) that lives with us full-time to help us make the toughness easier. Call it what you want; full-time help, maids, nannies, or as they are called here “helpers”. They usually hail from the Philippines, or Indonesia and sometimes China. Most live with the family they work for, even though they may have a husband and children back home. Many of them have been doing this for years. YEARS. They send most of their paycheck back to their home country and family, to help kids through school, or pay for mortgages, or even the husband’s second wife and family (yes, it happens a lot).

Our extra family member is called Soledad, but we call her Sola for short. I can say through rose-colored glasses that she has been wonderful. There have been miscommunications along the way, and sometimes it can be frustrating to have that “second mother figure” around 24/7 undoing any strides you may have made with your child in regards to rearing. Having said that, we love her like she is  family and saying good-bye to her is going to be heart wrenching. Sola has been here for about 16 years, and she has two grown children back in the Philippines. She was the sole financial supporter of these kids, and now her grandkids as well. She lives in a small room in our home, with only clothes and other small samplings of life to call her own. All of her money that she earns through us is sent back home to her family. This is what is done. This is a part of the culture, and it is a cycle that gets repeated through generations. What gives me hope as I say good bye to Sola, is that she has chosen to end this cycle in her own family. She has told her grown children that they need to get jobs because she will not support them or their families anymore. They need to. She has bought a small home in a nice subdivision in Manila that she is working hard to pay off completely. In two years she will own this home outright and will be able to retire, and as she says “live simply but for herself”. I am so proud of her for all her accomplishments in life and what she has been able to do. I can’t say that any of the women I know, including myself, could make the sacrifices she has had to make.  Through all her hardships and tragedy, she has a smile on her face and a positive outlook on life. She understands that life is finite and she does not want to waste it on “if only’s and what if’s”.  She is a daily reminder to me of how to live my life with grace and humility, and I will miss her so much.

I am so thankful that my son has been able to live here in Hong Kong and gain this international perspective that he has. I am even more thankful that for three years he had Sola in his life, helping him maneuver through his days and teaching him valuable life lessons. He will be able to look back on this experience when he is twenty and remember Sola and what she meant to him, and that is priceless. We will miss you Sola, but we will never forget you.

What is the point?

Can I just ask, what is the damn point of frequent flyer miles? You can’t ever redeem them, because of course the dates you want are always blacked out or they have been reserved since two decades ago by the crafty 80-year-old Florida couple who knew that when they retired they would want to take that international flight. Jesus. My husband and I have a certain credit card that is linked to a certain airlines, and neither one of us really put the idea together that when we use the credit card, we would get mileage with that airline. Even if we had been brilliant enough to realize it, the airline was local enough that it would not have made that big of a difference. Except, I realized today after researching the damn thing that we have 258,000 miles with this airline, which OF COURSE has multiple partnerships with international airlines. HOW STUPID ARE WE??? We have lived in Hong Kong for THREE YEARS and are just figuring this out. And that’s when the fun begins…that damn couple from Florida beat us to the punch, and there are no available seats until 2023.

Just a word, really…

Okay, this is to all those people out there that, instead of saying the simple phrase “excuse me”, they just stand there and stare at you. Looking inconvenienced that they have to stand there and stare at you, wondering why you don’t JUMP out of their way because for God’s sakes they are boring their eyes into your face and making small grunting noises, can’t you see!!?? Maybe it is because I live in Hong Kong now, and walking around the streets is like trying to find your car after a concert 24/7 (aptly described by the comedian Jake Johanssen), but I take GREAT pleasure in just standing in their effin way. If you gave me enough time, I would probably position myself into some kind of football defense crouch and start shouting number sequences at you, but because it IS Hong Kong, you will undoubtedly not be able to wait that long and will instead just shove me out of the way. Bashing me with your fake Chanel bag as you breeze by, probably shouting into your diamond encrusted cell phone in decibels only dogs can hear, while dragging your bow-tie festooned toddler behind you.

Wow, I think I need a drink.

Phantom of the Shower

My darling 6 year old son is sitting in the shower, singing the theme to Star Wars in every possible variation possible. He started with kind of a jazzy, staccato number which than moved into maybe an Eartha Kitt hit by a car rendition and has finally soared right into an operatic, “meet me in Italy” finale. Mind you, there are no words in this production. It’s all about the aura, man. I so get this kid.

Pavlov’s dog. Or hershey bar…

Why the bleep must there be a direct correlation to the way I feel and a piece of damn chocolate?! I have beaten myself up a bit this week over things that are really out of my control, but it seems that the only thing that eases the stress is anything laced with sugar. I wish I could be one of those people who thinks “wow, I am a bit tense today – I know! I’ll go for a nice, 5 mile run”. Nope. I think “wow, I would rather be doing anything else than what I am doing right now – I know, I will add a Starbucks Hot Chocolate on top of the guilt I am already feeling”. Aaaaaaand, that’s my day lately. The irony is that everyone else and their frickin’ mothers have made these New Year’s Resolutions about their health and seem to be sticking with them (granted, it is only January 26th). If one more person emails or calls and says “Another 5 pounds off – I’m almost there!” I may find the nearest bake sale and throw myself at their mercy.

I know that this too shall pass, but probably not before I develop a third stomach. I think I will go make some cookies.

Dirty little kiss

Remember that scene in “Sex In The City” (the television series, not the movie) where Miranda dumps the chocolate cake in the garbage can so she won’t be tempted to eat anymore of it? And than she digs through the garbage can and ravages the rest of it? Yeh, that’s me. I just dropped a Hershey’s chocolate kiss on the floor where my cat has shed hairs all day. It lodged itself inside all the computer, camera and various other wires, where I dug it out (yes, on my hands and knees thank you very much), blew it off and ate it. Not sure if it is because it is one of the last pieces of chocolate I will have for a while before I start another prehistoric “cleanse” next week, or if it is because after that episode of Sex In The City aired, my good friends called me and said “that scene with the chocolate cake? That was totally you!” It was destiny.

My To Do List

Things I would like to do during this lifetime:

1. Learn to not clench up every time I am in water.
2. Take swimming lessons.
3. Learn to play the acoustic guitar.
4. Not be offended by everything that Amy Winehouse does.
5. Dance to Glee’s version of Busta’ Move in public – perhaps on a dance floor. Really let loose. Especially during the bongo part.
6. Learn to dive effortlessly into a pool, off a boat, from a dock. You get the idea.
7. Find the fine line between overly sensitive and callousness, and walk it.
8. Sing in a choir!
9. Take singing lessons.
10. Live in a foreign country. Yea, I kinda nailed that one.
11. Try to find some way of tricking myself into liking vegetables. Maybe coat them in chocolate?
12. Travel alone across the country.
13. Trust my instincts more.
14. Learn to play the piano.
15. Meet Hugh Jackman and stare unabashedly. Maybe touch him, just a little bit. If he happens to be standing next to Craig Daniels, that would be okay. Kill two birds with one stone.
16. See number 15.
17. Watch my child grow into an empathetic, passionate adult.
18. Learn the words to the Eminem song “Lose Yourself” and sing it to all my friends, driving them mad.
19. Adopt a little girl. Hug her, squeeze her, and call her George.
20. Be able to do the yoga Tree pose without fricking falling over.
21. Write and illustrate a children’s book.
22. Learn to draw.
23. Go with the flow.
24. Train myself to wear my sunscreen, even when it is cloudy.
25. Find my triceps.
26. Tell everyone I love that I love them on a more regular basis.
27. Write everyday.
28. Sit through Mama Mia without squirming and yelling “why?” “why?”
29. Go through one winter season without eczema.
30. Write and sell a screenplay.
31. Design my own house.
32. Design someone else’s house, and get paid for it.
33. Figure out my true calling.
34. Travel to Africa, and just learn.
35. Finish my interior design homework it if kills me. Obviously if this is not crossed off, it did.
36. Be happy in my skin, my body and my soul.
37. Learn what my true hair color is, and try to keep it around for a bit. My kid is getting confused.
38. See Pearl Jam in concert.
39. See a woman president in office. Maybe my daughter, George.
40. Enjoy what I have and smile about it!
41. Finally get myself to New York.
42. Run my own business, and have the power to kick people out that bugged me. You know who you are.
43. Be able to run again. Run a marathon, a half-marathon, or just around the block.
44. Read all the classics.
45. Dance the Thriller video, all the way through. Even the little neck shuffly thing that always trips me up.
46. Don’t do drugs!
47. Carry my camera more and take interesting shots.
48. Take a photography class.
49. Not embarrass my kid, like ever.
50. Tell my husband what a great guy and dad he is more often.
51. Learn to sew.
52. Learn to snowboard.
53. Ride a horse again. Bareback.
54. Be a good friend and listen.
55. LAUGH!!!!

What is on your life list?

What’s the plan, Stan?

The ironic thing about being an expat abroad is the lifestyle. You really are kind of living by the seat of your pants, always wondering when you could be sent home or to yet another foreign land (and trust me, Miami was VERY foreign to me). Where is the irony in that, you ask? I am not a live by the seat of my pants kinda girl. Anyone who knows me, understands the deep appreciation I have for the concept of “planning ahead”. There is a story in our family that when my Uncle had a doctor’s appointment, he drove out the route the day before, timing it the whole way “just to make sure”. I always think of that when I start to fret about how much longer we will be living somewhere and when can I start boxing stuff up? I really enjoyed this lifestyle in the beginning when we started this whole “ain’t life an adventure-let’s live like vagabonds” model, but I have a kid now. And a dog. And a cat who sheds her weight in sweaters every few hours. And a nice lanai, but it ain’t a yard. I know, I know, it is hard to complain about not having all the modern conveniences in life when there is so much tragedy around us. But you know what, I have been a real trooper these past 10 years or so, and I feel like I can say “hey, maybe not so much fun anymore”. I am a 40-year-old stay at home mom with one child in school and too much time on her hands. I live in a country that makes it hard for me to be employed, and I am tired of making new friends. I like my old ones and I miss them! I have become better at “going with the flow”, “rolling with the punches”, “seeing where life takes us” and whatever other cheesy life chant you can think of. I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth. I just want to know if that horse is heading back to the barn anytime soon.

Happy New Year!

Okay, so I am a few weeks late. Blame it on jet lag and an overextended belly. Just could not get myself to the computer. I had a lovely holiday, and realized that women really do rule the world. Or at least the holidays. Good lord, once I sat down and really thought about it, I came to the conclusion that I am a one-woman Santa Clause/Martha Stewart/Dr. Phil/Katie Couric. I planned, purchased and wrapped all the Xmas gifts for the entire family, and I did it all long-distance. I whisked my son through international skies, than drove him further into the wilds and threw him into the scary world of school “visits”. That one alone was enough to cause a 5 pound weight loss in me due to the nerves and stress of watching my extremely cautious and sometimes very shy child having to “make nice” with a class full of strange kids. All day. Twice! And he did it with aplomb! Always wanted to use that word, never had a need. Don’t worry, that 5 pound weight loss was just a tease – I managed to gain it all back and then some from stress eating. And my dad’s fantastic peanut brittle.

Several more family visits via the divorced parents circuit (my kid is soooo lucky-I had no grandparents growing up. This kid has three sets of grandparents to fight off during the holidays. If you could only SEE what the Christmas tree looks like – the rest of the family just fills their coffee cups and sits back, waiting for the break in the day when the kid finally looks up from his wrapping paper house, drool running down his chin, vacant stare, pee stains where he was not able to even take the time…). Several “get-togethers’, parties and cook-offs later, we can officially call it another holiday season over. And than I relax and begin to enjoy myself. And than it is off to the airport for another international flight. I was especially thankful to the jackass that felt the need to try and blow up his plane on Christmas day. You know, a gift card would be a nice idea next time buddy.